


Between Fear And Blame

by lindsey_grissom



Series: How To Save A Life [1]
Category: Scrubs
Genre: Child Abuse, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-09
Updated: 2008-02-09
Packaged: 2017-10-10 14:50:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/100954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lindsey_grissom/pseuds/lindsey_grissom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Daddy says it's always his fault...</i>  First in the <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/series/3982">How To Save A Life</a> series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Between Fear And Blame

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: _001\. Fading_.

He watches the way her blood pools on the cream carpet, because that's easier to look at than her face. Or his. And the baby in the corner passed out hours ago, and he isn't close enough to watch the rise and fall of her chest.

He knows he's next, knows that he should have had his turn ages ago, but everyone was more disappointing than him today, and that doesn't fill him with any of the happiness other boys get.

He wants to step between them, wants to stand in front of her and take all the fists that are aimed her way, but he's scared and his ribs still ache from yesterday and tomorrow is beer night and he doesn't want his skull cracked ahead of time, because that will just make it worse.

The baby rolls over with a small cry, and his heart feels just a little lighter, because that's his little sister there, and he doesn't want to start off life as a big brother by getting her killed in the first week.

Not that he could have done anything, because she was already quiet when he came home from school, but Daddy says it's always his fault when Mummy gets hurt instead of him, and he knows that the same counts for his sister too.

There's more blood on the floor now but Daddy's finally stopped throwing the glass and Mummy's crawling towards the kitchen and he knows that it hasn't really finished because it's only early and they haven't even stopped for dinner yet.

The baby's started crying and he wants to tell her that it's a mistake to cry, because only baby girls cry, and even though that's what she is, it's not enough of an excuse and she's only going to be punished worse because she made a sound, but she doesn't understand words yet, not the way he does, and he's not allowed to pick her up because he might drop her.

Daddy says that might be a good thing. Mummy doesn't say anything more about that, but he isn't going to pick her up until she gets bigger, because he really doesn't want to drop her. He knows what it's like to land on your head and it never makes him feel any smarter.

His teachers say he's the brightest in his class, but he doesn't play well with the other boys and when they play fight he always ends up with more bruises than everyone else and he remembers that he went to school with them already, but he's not allowed to tell anyone that, so they just make him stay in and read books.

The baby's still making noises, but he's not sure if she's crying or choking and he can't even try talking to her because they didn't give her a name yet and he doesn't think calling her baby would help, because that's what Mummy calls Daddy and it never calms him down.

He could go over to her, could take her little clenched fist in his, but if Daddy comes back he might not like that and he isn't worried about himself, but there's a patch on the baby's face that's redder than the rest and he doesn't want anything more of her to match.

The clock on the mantle says it's nearly five now, and Jimmy's parents were so happy when they found out their son could tell the time. Jimmy got cookies and milk. He never told anyone that he could do it, because when he learnt to count he got locked in the stair cupboard and told to count the spiders that crawled over him. He likes the spiders. Their legs tickle. Daddy's legs just hurt.

But he can tell the time and soon it's going to be his turn, because Mummy will come back in with big white plasters all over her, with little red dots on them and take the baby up to her bed. They share the same room now, and he doesn't mind because it's quite nice to hear her little snuffles at night, instead of just the sound of Daddy's snores.

But Mummy hasn't come back in yet, and it's getting later and that will just make things worse, because there's a schedule, he's been told, and nothing ever goes right if they don't follow it properly.

He moves closer to the kitchen, because that's where his parents are and he can hear them talking, which is odd, because usually they just shout. Except at night, sometimes they grunt and groan, and Daddy says he loves Mummy and he knows she smiles at him because he saw it once when he got up to use the bathroom.

He wonders if Jimmy only gets cookies because his Daddy doesn't say he loves him after he hits him. Sometimes when he's really naughty, he thinks he would really like to have the cookies instead.

Mummy's sitting in a chair, and Daddy's on his knees next to her, stroking her cheek and saying he loves her, and she's smiling at him again, which is good, because that means her turn is over and she can start cleaning up the blood now.

She looks smaller than she used to, she says it's because he's getting to be a big boy, but he isn't sure. He doesn't want to be a big boy, that only makes Daddy madder but she keeps saying it and he thinks maybe she doesn't know what Daddy does when she leaves them alone.

He must have scuffed his shoe, or breathed too loud because they can see him now and they're standing up and walking to where he is. Daddy has a strong grip, and he knows his ear is going to be sore tomorrow, his stupid girly curls will cover it up though, and perhaps that is why Daddy hasn't ripped them out yet, even though he says he will.

They're going to wait until the baby is gone before his punishment begins, and that's good, because she's finally stopped crying and he doesn't want her to start again when Daddy starts yelling.

He stares at the blood again, and it's darker now, and not as red, not like Daddy's eyes. Nothing looks bright like it used to, and it can't just be the light, because when he walked through the park today even the trees didn't look very green and they should be, because his teacher told him that Spring is supposed to look green and yellow and blue, and red too, but every season is red, so that doesn't count really.

Maybe things are never bright when you're a big boy, maybe that's why Daddy gets so mad, because he can't see the colours like he could when he was little. Maybe that's why he gets punished, because he's getting bigger and Daddy doesn't want him to lose all the brightness he can see.

It doesn't seem to work though, because every time Daddy makes his eyes close until the morning, all he can see is black, and when he looks again, his blue bedroom wall just looks duller. Maybe this time it will work. Maybe when he looks another time, Mummy's eyes will be green again, instead of grey.

 

**End.**


End file.
